I think i peed on brittanys purse
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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