It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
