Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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