Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
