I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Im part way to drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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