Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
