You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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