My hand turned me down
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
