Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
