I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
