its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
