I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
