I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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