Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
