I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
