I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
