omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
