It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
