the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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