I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
