I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize