i need an iv and a liver transplant
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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