I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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