I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
