Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
