my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
