I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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