he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You took a bar mat shot.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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