I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
