remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
