The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
