Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
