Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
