Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
