I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
