Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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