fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
