I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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