I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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