My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize