I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
