got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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