He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
