She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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