woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
