All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
