There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
