I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
