i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
