I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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