Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
