She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
