why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
