He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
