woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
