And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
this will be a night to untag.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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