so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
