My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
