the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
