I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
